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Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 11:14 pm nearing a New Beginning
Current Mood: somber
Time her is short for The O's father. Having seen the emotion wrapped up with the approaching New Beginning and the end of this existence from the family has made me look at things differently. I am not terribly experienced with death, I just have a different relation to it. Death brings with it sorrow and resentment from those close to the deceased. The observance of the pain and anguish that can accompany the soon-to-be-deceased tears at the very soul of the survivors. Why is it that sometimes it is so hard to let go, for both parties involved? I look at Ahmed and can feel the strength of his resolve to maintain an existence in this realm. I can try to imagine why he is so adamit. I look at the family and see the resolve in their eyes and hearts that he should pass. I also see the problems in letting him go. I only hope that he goes soon, in peace and without pain.

c
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Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 05:38 am Writer's Block: *Lightbulb Goes Off*

What was the last great epiphany you had?


View 500 Answers

It should be when.
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Jun. 12th, 2008 @ 04:35 am back at it
Current Mood: tired
Another sleepless night in the biggest little city will soon come to pass. Not to sound too much like an asshole, but it was cold here yesterday. There was a 25 degree difference in highs. The high here did not even get up to the low in Austin.

Speaking of Austin, I sure do miss home. I miss my wife. I miss my cats. I miss the freedom to come and go as I please.

My mind is not letting me sleep these days. I mean I rest, but the deep sleep I crave is just not there. Perhaps in a day or two I will be able to get my mind to slow to a dull roll, for a little while at least.

The girlie arrives today, in about 15 hours. I wish it were going to be a happier weekend, but we will make it as good as we can. Perhaps derby on Saturday will help to lift the mood a bit. I will do as I always do and work out the best situation with the cards I am dealt.

Friends, I've a question I would appreciate some input on. In my time away I am doing some soul searching and am interested in knowing what it is that makes me the person I am, god or bad. What strengths and weaknesses do you see in me? I really am curious about this. I think that people need to look at themselves. I also believe that they should listen to the voices of others. They should be able to hear the bad wit the good and not take it so damned personally. So, Friends, give it to me straight. I learned a long time ago that it is a mature person that can accept the truth, or at least others version of it. Let me know what you think.

Someone is stirring. I need to go. Have a great day.
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Jun. 8th, 2008 @ 09:05 am A Whole Lotta Sahkin Goin' On
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: None
Well last night was an interesting one. Two quakes of magnitude 3 or higher. Weird. I signed on for many things on this trip, that was not one of them. While I was not really scared, It is is still damned unsettling knowing the ground beneath you ass is not as quite as solid as you have been told. The one I felt the best was at 3:14 am west coast time. I know I gotta go when I gotta go, I just hope it is something more pleasurable. Actually I am not really worried at all. I know that SF will fall off into the ocean long before a major hits this area.

Pulled another all-nighter. I will be pulling another this evening. Time to get some sleep. I hope I can dream today. Dreaming is the one thing I miss most about not sleeping well.

Good Day.(as in good night, but it is NOT night.)
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Jun. 4th, 2008 @ 01:11 am Time
Current Location: Drano
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Ahmed's Ostinato
It seems that I have a lot of that these days. Perhaps I can use this to my advantage, although it seems hard as thee days pass and I do not realize what day it is. Nice day today. Weather never got over 75. Still, I miss my Texas summer.

I have a lot to do with myself, and yet I do not. I figured this might be a good place to start. I have never been too much of a writer and definitely not a reader. It is time to make a change for both of these. About halfway through the first book I have read in a couple of years, without the aid of my spectacles. That is starting to suck. Wanting to start a new focus in life and literally not being able to see worth a shit. I have no one to blame but myself for having lost them. As far as the writing I will try to keep up with it. I do not really think of life in terms of words. I find them much too limiting to say the least. Emotion, something else I am not very good at, although more developed at, seems to me to be limitless in meaning. Why is it that the world has chosen to limit itself with vocabulary and ceased to develop its emotional connections? I will relent and go on to something else...

Death has been on my mind lately. It seems to be one of the things that make people stand up and take notice. It seems that many people do not put much thought into it until they have to. Whether you are an atheist and death is the end of existence or you see death as the beginning of another journey, it is going to get us all. What does death mean to you and how do you prepare yourself and your loved ones for it? Interesting, I do not fear death. I actually almost welcome it. I am not depressed and am not wishing to die, I just think it is a step beyond. I see it as a journey that takes us away to some "other" place. My experience with death is limited, but soon I will see a little more of it. Why do people feel the need to hang on so strongly that they start to tear at the hearts of those they love? I do not belittle people for being like this, I just do not understand it. I am sure I will ramble on about this later...

It is getting late, so I think I will end this post. Sweet dreams to anyone that wants or needs them.
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May. 18th, 2006 @ 08:57 pm well...
It seems that a lot has transpired for me over the last couple of months. I have been many new adventures to add to my list of tales to tell my grandchildren that will never actually be born.
I would love to talk about my travels, but alas, they would require too much time to properly do them justice.

Flipside, to go or not ot go. I am gifting a ticket to my nephew Brady Ryan. At the age of eighteen he should start his freak life out right. This kid is the future and I feel the need to expose him to every joy/horror/experience that I can. He should thoroughly enjoy himself. I can remember the first time I set foot at a burn event, it was freaky and yet so exciting. It was Peggy that first saw something in me that I never knew was there, an inner glow that yearned to be released. Here I am now, wondering if I should go. It is not that I do not want to go, it is that I; 1.want to go and 2.do not really care about going. I have done nothing this year to help out. I have not even been to a church night. The "event" is fun. Is fun enough reason to go? I do feel as though I get a mental recharge coming away from Flipside. I just do not know if the recharge is from the feeling of being able to be myself or from a feeling of inspiration. I feel as though I have many friends within the framework of the "event" but why does it have to always be within the event's "framework". I am not really burned out, I just do not understand the reasons why most of the people that go do it. I love to go to a party and have a crazy time. I like to get mixed up in the wacky-ass antics. I just want to believe there are other reasons to spend several days in the Texas hill country with some 1400 other freaks. I mean the booze, pharms, and tits are great, but what is there after all of this is over? I have got a week to think about it.
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Dec. 12th, 2005 @ 11:24 pm Why?
Why? You tell me.
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Oct. 19th, 2005 @ 02:53 pm another day
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Theory Radio out of LA
Here I sit, tired as usual. I really need to develop a habit of sleeping. I do not know how as I have not slept well since I was about sixteen. I have tried the reading thing, prescriptions, breathing, meditation, and countless other things. Some of them seem to work for a small while, then they stop working. It has been suggested to me that I may have sleep apnea. Who knows? I should get a refill on the Ambien, at least that seems to help others.

I am considering going to Nobody's art car build on Saturday. I feel as though I have not gotten to do anything creative in some time. I do not know that I will be a great amount of help, but it should be fun anyhow. I could always get the tools out and build something else out of plain old dimensional lumber. Perhaps I should make a table for Piffy and I to eat upon. Perhaps I will just build a table for the fuck of it. I need to do something. I should probably work on the Ghia. I am kind of stumped. ....

ah hell...I am going to the Y. I will try to write more later.
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Oct. 3rd, 2005 @ 09:53 pm work
Current Mood: calm
I actually worked today. I did give them about three hours for free, but at least I got to work. Sitting idle hurts. I am not what one would "an excited person," but I am not completely lazy either. I do like the feeling of doing a good job. I like to see the effects of my work, but do not always require someone's admiration for it. I live for myself, not to have people look at me and tell me all the gooey shit that many others feel they deserve. I stand on my own two feet. I am exactly what I am, I will never be any more, or any less. I know there are times for everyone when they need assistance or that little piece of inspiration from others. Everyone needs this sometimes, even me. What bothers me are those that relish in it. My philosophy of life dictates that I do this for people because I feel it is warranted, not required. One should never ALWAYS look up to me, or any one else for that matter. They should be proud to stand side by side with each other. They should be glad that they have such caliber people in their life. When one is put too highly on a pedestal it makes the fall a hell of a lot harder. And for the record, we all have to fall sometime, its the getting back up on our feet that makes us mere humble humans.

Enough of the philosophical stuff. I am getting excited about this Myschevia thing. I am truly looking forward to the ride with our very own, illustrious, infamous, Doctor Superbeast R. Feral, aka Rodney. It has been quite a span since we have gotten to sit down to a good long conversation. I think it will be a most enjoyable journey. And, as we all know, it is not all about the destination, but also about the journey getting there.

Question: What shape do you most relate with, and is it you or the world around you? Why? Does this shape
change? Completely or just slightly?

good night.
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Oct. 2nd, 2005 @ 10:16 pm what a day
Current Mood: tired
The day was filled with the trip to Ingram, Tx. Piff and I went to explore a lead on a potential wedding location, Camp Rio Vista and Camp Sierra Vista. http://www.vistacamps.com The cost for the use of the pavilion and gymnasium without any cabins or lodging is $2500 for two days. It is a very neat place. Clean and tidy. Oh yeah, they have a kangaroo. I a not quite sure it is worth the trip out for this if we cannot secure some sort of lodging, or at least a place to camp, for people. We saw several other places of interest, but to tell the truth, this is BFE. I mean it is pretty, but way the fuck out there.I am tending towards a much simpler place and theme. I do agree about the want to have friends and family close in a event that is more centered around a weekend than a specific day, but at about two hours to the other side of the world with a "freak" contingent in tow, I am hesitant. I know it will all work out.

Well even Kerrville has a freak population(or at least one). On the way back to civilization we saw the strangest thing, a pink furry bike. The motorcycle was really furry, not just that ten day old buzz cut form the military furry. It struck me as very funny that it did not create a bigger disturbance than it did. It is good to know that there are people out there that I can relate to in these little redneck towns.

Perhaps the biggest event this weekend was meeting Mr. (forgotten first name) Merz. Mr. Merz, who lives around Navasota and 14th, was driving a 1963 Karmann Ghia cabriolet. This car was nice. It gave me some good ideas about what to do with the BHAGAVAD GHIA. http://www.ishwar.com/hinduism/holy_bhagavad_gita/ We will refer to it as Bhagee(like boggy, carrying the first syllable a bit with the "H") for short. This one has been a challenge. I am definitely not a mechanic, but I probably will be before the damned thing gets on the road. Hopefully it carries good "karmann" with its new life. I know I am not very funny, but I thought I should work this in somehow. Oh, it just occurred to me, not everyone knows what a Karmann Ghia is. For further study you can go here: http://www.serve.com/bacani/kgvsbug.html and here to view a very fucking pretty one: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/1969-Volkswagen-Karmann-Ghia-Restored-Car-VW-Bug_W0QQitemZ4578619119QQcategoryZ15293QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Well gotta' go. Sleepytime you know....
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Sep. 30th, 2005 @ 06:40 pm the carb
Current Mood: angry
I rebuilt my first carburetor today. I do not yet know if it will help, as the car's battery is dead, again. I will put a little power to it tomorrow and see if she wants to light up. Keep the fingers crossed and the rabbit's foot handy.

Work was about the same today. With the exception of the weekly meeting, I did not work. Just as well, it gave me the time for the car. They will not tell me if I have job on Monday. I have to go in and get my truck "fixed" and clean it up. What should I do about these pricks. They do not pay us for the time for repairs, maintenance, fueling, driving, meetings, or waiting for them to find their ass and tell us if we are working. I know this is illegal. The state sets a forth a felony charge on each instance the supervisor knowingly does not pay the employee for time worked. Right now my boss should be up to about 150 years in prison. Getting the state to do anything about it is like getting a bowling ball down the drain of a sink. Taxes hard at work for the people who pay them.

Next weekend Piff is going to Reno and I to Myschievia. I am not sure I will actually go. With fuel prices and the thought of a two and a half hour drive, I could put my time and money to much better use. I really would like to see what those NTX kids do. I should get the outlook for the weather. I have been camping in the environment they are holding this event in. It tends to be much less than comfortable. West Texas can be pretty gruesome in parts. Beside the snakes, ants, and scorpions, the terrain is riddled by things of the fauna variety that can cause great discomfort. The sadistic side of me wants to see what this does to some of these people. I do not wish harm to any of them, I just want to see how they deal with it, in the true sense of roughing it. What am I saying? These are burners, the ones that show up with everything, including the kitchen sink, maybe two, one they can "gift" to someone else. I will have to decide about this later on next week.

I let the cat out today, at four o'clock, it is now 7:15. She ran off. Well, she sort of ran off, she came back and is now hiding under the house. This pisses me off. Every time I walk up to her she bolts like I beat her or something. See if she gets to go back out any time soon. Bitch. She is cute as hell, but also dumb as hell. I bet if she does not come in before we leave this evening she gets to stay out all night. I do not think that the opossum under the house will fill her food and water dish. I bet he is not even real interested in having a civil conversation with her. Serves her fucking right.

Time to get clean. I am going to a going away party this evening for Kellie Iris. Hope I can keep my energy up. Six-thirty in the morning is awfully early to make it a late night.

quote: Although one does not have to see all of the colors of the rainbow, one must recognize the shades
of gray.

C. Heiermann 30 Sept, 2005
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Sep. 29th, 2005 @ 09:06 pm just another day
Current Mood: apathetic
I am getting tired of counting the days down that I do not work. It as been four thus far and I do not know if I work tomorrow. If I do, it will probably be in San Antonio. They will probably want me to work this weekend. That is too fucking bad, I have plans. Saturday is class and Sunday is reserved for a trip to Kerrville to see the proposed wedding venue for Piffy and me. If we end up there we are looking at a two hour trip from Austin for the whole family. I just can not wait to hear them bitch.

I can hardly believe it has gotten so cool. I had better enjoy it tonight, for tommorrow is another day. It seems to have peaked out at 86 degrees at about 4:30 pm. I hope that this is a trend that carries through for quite a while.

Jobs, jobs, jobs. What do I want to be when I grow up? I never thought it would be such a trial to figure this out. When you are younger you know what you are going to be, with great certainty you go through the days telling everyone that you are going to be a (ditchdigger). They are so happy for you. On birthdays and Christmas you get all kinds of (shovels), (pick-axes), and (overalls). "Is it not great that little (Jordan) knows where he is going." School begins at at four or five and the possibilities swell abit. (Ditchdigger) turns into (archaeologist) and (fossils) begin a significant role in the mind of (Jordan). Slowly he/she realizes that it is a low paying, work-intensive, lonely job. By high school the idea of something else has crept into our young (Jordan's) brain. Yada, yada ya...we all know the story. You end up the ditchdigger, digging your own grave for the next forty years.

Off to Kristen's.....
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Sep. 27th, 2005 @ 02:55 pm another one of those unproductive days
Current Mood: indescribable
I got up for work today, got dressed, and went out to my car. I had not received a call from the office yesterday telling me that I worked today, so I called them. It just so happens that it did not seem that I had a job. Imagine that. I just do not understand how these assholes can be like this. I am past the point of being angry at them, I just do not understand them. They think they are the reason for my being. They fail to realize the significance of someone having a life outside of their little dungeon. Frankly, at times I kind of wish they would fire me, at least I would up off of my ass and do something to further myself. I only stay there because of the money. I guess there are worse reasons, but I cannot think of any. I know deep down that this is not the right occupation for me, i just never do anything about it. Why? That inevitable someday will get here and take me off to the next step in the journey of my life. I wait, patiently, for that time to come. I need to make that time come.

question: I he hindu tradition we are part of the same one. This being the case, how does karma factor into the individuals life? Is it a case that for any enlightenment to occur the sole "one" must acheive it by himself?
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Sep. 26th, 2005 @ 11:10 pm The written word
Current Mood: blah
I have never had a great need to write. This is either supported by my ability, or, rather, by my inability to write well. I have always felt I get my view across well enough by the words I say. I never have considered myself a strong writer and have avoided it like the plague since I was in school. Why is it now that I feel a pull to put my thoughts down on "paper"? The words I have always used are very specific. It can take me an hour to write a single paragraph. I guess that I have to a point where I feel that I need to say a little bit more. It may or may not make sense to me later, but right now I need to get it down. I hope I can continue this on a regular basis. It feels as foreign to me as the desert does to a fish.
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Sep. 25th, 2005 @ 06:37 pm the day
Allergies suck. I have been feeling like crap for some time now and I am sick and fucking tired of it. Hopefully the Allegra I just took will kick in and do some good. I want to feel like doing something again, at least before I die.

I have not done a productive thing all weekend. This saddens me. I do not usually have super productive weekends, but this one has been exceptionally bad. Look up the definition for Lazy bastard" up in the dictionary and you will see a picture of me. It hurts to know I have wasted, and continue to waste, so much time. It is embarrassing.

I guess I do not have much more to say on this today. Hopefully tomorrow will have a more adventurous time to it.
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Sep. 25th, 2005 @ 12:25 pm Sunday, Sunday, Sunday...
Another arrival of a day of the week that is usually a preparation for the beging of work. Well i do not have to work tommorow.
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Sep. 24th, 2005 @ 03:43 am holy fuckin' shit
Current Mood: awake
This sucks. 2:42a cst, the eye of the hurricane has officially hit landfall just about Sabine Pass(officially 3:40a eastern, well now it is 3:38a est). The power of nature is a marvelous thing. It is a wonder how the earth tries to rid itself of the virus known as humankind, not a wonder of why, just how. When will we be able to understand these things? I hope the kids in Houston are doing well. 120 mph winds.(what is the speed of sound? 741.5 mph courtesy of Wikipedia. Mind you this is in a ideal temperature and pressure.)

I have been awake for about 43 hours now. Could this be because of Rita? What are the physic ramifications of what is happening? I do not know, but I think that it might be greater than I have ever understood. Is there a possibility of a spiritual connection to a inanimate object such as a hurricane, or is it nerves and adrenaline that keep me going? Faith versus science. This is a little thing I will have to think about.

I left a message with Cabana Boy at 2:57a. He is probably having a hell of a good time. Hopefully everyone is having a good time, or at least safe. I do not know that I would like to be there for the party, the cleanup and recovery are different. I would like to help with these.

AM radio. How long has it been since I have actively listened to it? Now I am riveted to it. I have, thus far this morning, heard San Antonio and Houston stations. It is ironic that in the time of need for information I have to revert to the "AM". Thankfully we still have it.

If ever I have the thought of moving to a coastal destination prone to tropical storms or hurricanes, stop me. Commit me to an institution that can solve the need to make those sort of decisions.(electroshock?) I like rain, but for fuck's sake, this is fuckin' ridiculous. I have to have respect for the people that stayed, to the point that they are running with a gallon of nitroglycerin on a 112 degree day and have torrent syndrome. I hope they are going to be okay.

I cannot help but think about my goals. I now feel the need to complete the EMS training more than ever. I would now like to add the goal of completing some sort of search and rescue training as well.


Question: Why is it that it takes such a disaster to make people start caring about his/her fellow
brother/sister when they should care all the time anyway? Is it shallowness or guilt?

3:49a hurricane centered around Port Arthur
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Sep. 23rd, 2005 @ 05:55 pm uh.
Current Mood: blah
What a shitty day. I just realized today that I am struggling with somewhat the same thing Piff is. Hers is much larger, infinitely more complicated, and much broader in spectrum. Mine is just with work. It seems I will never get any respect with anybody in any position of responsibility. I am not going to figure it out any time soon. I hate to deal with the bullshit politics. The purpose of me being there is to perform a job and perform it well. I feel as though I have done just this. I know that at times I do a less than great job, but nobody has ever said shit about it. Cocksuckers. They play a game of favorites and kiss-ass's. I do not care about being a favorite, I tell it as it is, they do not like that. I WILL NOT kiss ass. At least I will never kiss these bastards' asses, fuck them. Is this karma or just a lesson I need to learn?

I have never written to release emotions. This feels kind of interesting, almost good.

question: Why do people feel the need to be assholes for the sake of being an asshole? Does it incubate
itself in the childhood and hit a point that it cannot be controlled? Is this too Freudian?
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Sep. 23rd, 2005 @ 03:35 am another sleepless night
Current Mood: contemplative
Well it seems that my brain is either creating new tendrils or there is something about to happen I need to be awake for. Who fuckin' knows.

I have been thinking about the possibilities surrounding the occupation that Piff thinks I would be good at. If you do not know what it is then do not ask. I find it exciting and quite a bit overwhelming. The work we did the other night seemed to help her somewhat. What if I am only good at ding it with her? I would like to know more about it. Perhaps I will get a chance to talk to Jade this weekend. It seems odd that I find hesitation in this. I find it one of the largest goals in my life to help to heal people. I know that true healing comes from inside; I just feel that I could be good catalyst to this process. I want to do this work, but how do I go about it? hmm....?!?!?!

I want to re-rock my ceiling. I want to either refurbish or replace my windows. I want to get doors for the closet and bathroom. I fell as though it always the professionals that never keep up with their specialties in their personal life. Mechanics drive shitty cars, carpenters live in shanties, plumbers always have running toilets: why?

I need to set a list of goals for the present and future(any recommendations are welcomed).
Possible goals:

EMT training, for me and my family, friends, and those friends I have not yet met

massage school, same as the above but primarily Piff, my fiance and Melody, my
"girlfriend"(platonic sort)
learn to weld

get the goddamned car going, and keep it going, and going, and going...

buy a chunk of land for my compound, then start a commune or cult, whatever seems better
at the time

teach people happiness. make them understand it is not important what you do not have but
one can find happiness with just what you do have(and a running Ghia)

write a book(long stretch for me) I write like shit and get really frustrated when the
words come out wrong. Do not forget I know a lot little about a lot, but not enough,
perhaps, for a book.

do something so good that people do not necessarily remember me, but the act, rather,I
want it to be a catalyst for change that creates better understanding amongst these
people, universally

stop smoking(yes, I wrote the fucking phrase down. I will dismember anyone whom throws
this in my face! :^)>>> )



Well I think that if I set too many more goals I might just never get them done. The listing here is not in any sort of order. I will have to think on them awhile. I do need to stop thinking about them at some time and act. I should set acting as a goal as well.

I heard that there was a earthquake in LA yesterday. As upset I am to hear it, I am not surprised. As I have tod a couple of people already, I hate making predictions, but I predict a major quake in the next six months. I hope I am wrong.

Wow, i have the alarm set to go off two hours from now. Looks like I will not be getting much, if any, sleep tonight. I need to get to a doctor that will prescribe a sleep pill that actually works for me. I need a new script for Allegra as well. Maybe I can get him/her to throw in one for Zanax as a bonus. If nobody knows it, I think that chemistry is a beautiful thing, especially in little brown cylindrical plastic translucent containers. Well not "especially", but enough to really like them. I reserve the term "especially" for those pharmaceuticals that never see such containers.

Question: What is the most important virtue to have?(truth, loyalty, kindness, etc.)

Trivia: Where is most of the worlds Helium(chemical symbol He, atomic number 2)gotten from?

Fact: Sept. 8, 1900 Galveston, Tex.: an estimated 6,000–8,000 died in hurricane and tidal surge. The
“Galveston Hurricane” is considered the deadliest in U.S. history. It was a category 4.

Comment: Let us hope it does happen like that again.

I am going to go now. I hope I have not bored you to death. Take care of yourselves, I hope to see you all soon.


c
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Sep. 22nd, 2005 @ 08:32 pm wow
This was easier than i had ever imagined. I thought that i would spend forever trying to get this thing(livejournal) up and running. I have not much time as I have more pressing buisness to attend to. am going to try to write more so that I get a piece of my mind back into the habit of thinking. I am going to type correctly and use good grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I expect velvona to edit and help with this objective. It is somewhat easier to put down "on paper" what thoughts come into my head, but not always.

I will leave you with a final thought before I go: What is the most important thing in the world to you?
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